Love is a very tricky thing. Hell, it still is!
Once upon a time, I had someone who I thought was my perfect match. He was in school, employed, of the same faith. He was handsome, charming and a gentleman. My family and friends loved him. Shoot, my people started referring to him as their in-law instead of my boyfriend. This romance went on for a year and a half. He had some great qualities most girls would kill to have their partner do/be in a relationship. But, I needed it to end.
The arguments started to sound like “I know you are, but what I am” or “what did I do? Well, you did it to.”
From a distance, it may seem like I had it all and that everything was peachy keen. That’s the glitter. But the closer you are to it, the more you realize it is not what it once seemed like. I consider myself to be a semi-private person, so we never aired our dirty laundry in public (well, once we did). So to our family and friends, it seemed like we had the perfect relationship.
What they did not see was all of our arguments and fights. Before you say it, yes all couples do fight. The key to fighting in the relationship is to be able to fight clean, you know agree to disagree. We couldn’t seem to get that. Instead of actively listening to each other’s concerns, we listened defensively, just enough to build our rebuttals. Another nasty arguing habit we fell victim to was “tit for tat”. The arguments started to sound like “I know you are, but what I am” or “what did I do? Well, you did it to.”
While we were able to say, we got over the arguments, we really couldn’t. Each time a new argument comes up, something from the last argument is brought up. Like, wait didn’t we leave that in the past?
Among our other issues, arguments diminished the trust in our relationship, but we kept trying to rebuild the cracks in our foundation. As hard as we tried, we kept getting nowhere. It’s like I always told him, “I feel like we’re each standing on one side of a boulder and we’re both pushing trying to go our own way but all we’re really doing is working against each other.” I wrestled with these feelings of hopelessness for months. Praying things would get better. Going to therapy. Talking to other couples but nothing could ease my troubled mind. That’s when I realized, I didn’t have what I valued most, peace.
I did not have any peace in my relationship. I hung in there for so long because people told us we belong together, and we’re so cute together. But neither of us were truly happy. We started out as friends, and no matter what happened in our relationship, I still valued his friendship. Before things got too bad, I decided to end things on a positive note.
It happened on a Monday. There was no argument that day. Nothing to blame the break up on. Just that our season as lovers was up. Initially, I was worried about how it would affect him, me, us. But when I did end things, I finally got back that which was missing, peace.
I am a “relationship person” which means, I often got lost in my relationships. I traded my happiness for the sake of having someone around. I hate that it took a relationship with a good friend to come to this realization but I value my peace more than I value just having someone around. Live in your truth, don’t allow people to tell you, you are happy when you truly aren’t. Take some time to really get to know yourself – who you are and what you want. Establish your worth. Stop selling you gold for the price of glitter.